Lord have mercy on this weary soul, for I have had a rough week. That's right, sympathy should be laid directly at my feet and scores of red roses showered upon me, because I've been feeling a little blue and self-pitying whilst living in what is one of the richest and most provident countries in the totality of history.
Cherish my face; cherish it, and cradle my fertile pain.
I'd like to bring up something that has affected me a great deal these past few years, because it's only really become relevant again recently, and that is Depression. I've had it, I believe it's more or less resolved now, however I still find myself slipping into bad habits. To combat these bad habits, such as moping, weeping, and tearfully clutching a picture of a sad clown in a run-down former victorian linen mill wearing a leather trenchcoat, the nice doctor I spoke to gave me something called Citalopram to take.
Only a little dose, once per day, nothing to worry about. I declined them the first time, and that was probably my biggest mistake; I was, and still am, a fervent believer in the fact that I should not have to rely (that looks like it's spelt wrong, but it isn't.) on medication to be happy. This said, I have always found the idea of conciousness having a chemical componant facinating, and after the second trip to the doctors, thought it would be an idea to give it a shot and make a note of how I was feeling as I took them (thought I must admit, the choice of taking them was not mine at all; doctors can be very direct if you resist for too long). One of the main symptoms of my burgeoning psychosis was that of extremely vivid nightmares about nothing in particular, followed by long periods of sleeplessness, which in turn made me ineffective (well, less effective) at work, which caused worry, which caused nightmares, which caused and on and on and on.
I have the notes here with me, and I found reading through them very interesting. Take a look; I've abridged it slightly, but you get the idea.
Day 1: Taken at night. I didn't want the effects of the drug to be in full swing whilst I am at work. I felt no different from normal, which was pretty rough. The nightmares still happen.
Day 4: I have had a brain-splitting headache for 2 days now. The world seems slightly out of focus; like if the lense of the camera hasn't been screwed on properly, and walking seems to make my eyeballs shake. Very annoying. Dreams are not so much bad now but weird: I remember being laughed at by a fireman for not having my radio with me. A lady in a dress walked by and I thought I knew her, but when I turned to look there was just a flock of seagulls. Everything was also on fire. Very vivid.
Day 12: I have not pooped in 12 days. I am in no discomfort at all, but regardless, it's worrys me. Shouldn't I be rolling about in agony? Will buy something to help. The headache is still there. Dreams are vivid at the time, but I do not remember them. I just remember bright colours and the sense of movement.
Day 20: I will now take a quick inventory of what I am taking daily:
1 Citalopram - The Mother of the Beast
8 Paracetemol (2 every 4 hours) - Headaches
1-2 Senokot tablets - Constipation
2 Herbal Nytol - Sleeplessness caused by random bursts of energy: Didn't work, because herbal sleeping pills are snake-oil peddled by greasy carteers.
2 Zopiclone: Knockout pills - These things have not so much as brushed past a natural ingredient.
1 Multivitimin: dietry supplement as all I am eating are Tesco's own Onion Rings and whatever bumper-sized chocolate is on offer.
It goes on. After about 2 months of taking them I began to feel better. I slept more, I could wake up when I did sleep and everything became a lot easier. I spoke to several kind people holding clip boards whilst I sat on a comfortable chair and I felt great. After just under a year of taking Citalopram I felt I was ready to come off them; after the cravings, mood swings, headaches, periods of mind bending confusion and forgetfulness, I felt awesome.
I bring this all up now because I have been off Citalopram for four months. What concerns me now is that I appear to be suffering from bouts of irritibility, sleeplessness and all of the above. It could just be a result from a bad week but I also feel that this lack of control has been it's cause. I don't want to admit that perhaps I really do need a little white pill to feel normal, but maybe. I will have to see how the next week turns out.
No luke-warm humour and trite, blinkered observations tonight I'm afraid, my heart is laid bare.
G'night.
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