And now for your regular scheduled program.

Hello!

Hoo boy, it's been a while. There has been a huge amount of what people from the ninety's (nineties?) would call 'funk' (the bad kind) in my life this past while and it's put a cramp in my proverbial and non-existent style. One event shall not be mentioned here, but others will include:

• I moved house
• I changed job
• I was reading through another blog and website, and drunkenly got inspiration to restart my stupid, non consequential blog.

Anyway. What's been going on... Oh yeah! These past few months, namely eight of those said months, have been spent writing a book. I've sent it to someone who will hopefully be very kind and will not savage it as a household cat would maul an innocent shrew (you need a cat or a pair of cats in a rural setting to 'get' this metaphor) who will forward it to other kind people who will print it in paper form called a 'book'. Then he will give me a cheque for fifteen million pounds and I will buy the solid gold Rolls-Royce I've always dreamt of.

If you're wondering, I have had more than one pint of alcohol to drink tonight. hello

It's been a strange few months; from going to the regimented environment of my mother's flat in sunny-middle England to a top-floor hovel in a what is essentially a fairly pleasant hole in the ground filled with drunken polish men has been a huge adjustment. I can now, for example, walk around in nothing but an off-white pair of tighty-wighties without having to answer to 'the Man', but having to cook and God help me, clean for myself has been a terrible burden. How do people do it? Lucky for me I'm a hard working diligent human being* that can meet these hurdles with ease, employing my incredible physique** and towering intellect*** to overcome these tasks.

As for leisure activities, I went mountain biking in Wales with a good mate of mine recently, and I did a skid. I may have done a jump, but this needs to be corroborated with a third party to confirm. It was awesome, and I got absolutely, completely, soaked. It was gross.

But then I did another skid.

I'm sure that I will speak in more detail in future, but I am, in the term of a Californian writer, 'lit up' and in no position to talk. Good night, and hello

*Not true
**So damn not true; I resemble a hessian sack filled with cake mixture, which has been beat with an oak branch to resemble a vague mockery of a human being
***so unbelievably true, I am currently being thrashed with police baton for this lie, which carries a sentence of twenty years of thrashing.